Thoughts on my RA apt.

Yesterday was a roller coaster ride of emotions. I think I hit every single emotion possible. I didn’t talk much about how I felt or what was running through my mind. Before I met the doctor I was scared. Nervous to the point I was shaking. I have a horrible phobia of white coats… on top of the fear of them telling me all this pain, all these symptoms were in my head. Like they had been telling me for 15 years. When I’m nervous, the only thing I can do is joke around, and it relaxes me. As I said yesterday, he isn’t a joker. He got straight to the point. He asked me questions no other doctor had ever asked me before. Simple things. He said “may I see your shoes?” I thought, what an odd person… I held up my foot. I was wearing my slip on boots. He asked why I picked those today. I said I hate bending over and tying shoes because it hurts, so I wear slip ons. He said yup. He didn’t ask my “why are you here today?” he said, “ I bet your here because…. And he listed all my symptoms.” I said yup… So I immediately relaxed. There really are others like me lol! Then we discussed Which joints I had problems with. Then he asked me to strip to my undies… of course I thought, once you have kids, anytime you go to the doctor you might as well go naked. I sat waiting on him in a paper gown shivering so hard it was hard to sit still. Why on earth…would you have the AC blasting in a rheumatoid arthritis office???? I was so stiff from shivering I couldn’t move well. He left for a while. By the time he came back I was literally purple. Maybe there was a point to that procedure. He went through my range of motion. He left and came back with a stack of drugs for me. He asked if I wanted to do this a more natural way with vitamins or if I wanted to choose a more medical route. He told me all the things I would have to take if I took a natural route. I don’t do well on vitamins. I get very sick, and they have an opposite affect on me. Most of the time. So we discussed Pills. It made me feel better he had two options for me. That he wasn’t objective to thinking out side of the box. He wrote down all the vitamins and times I would have to take them. He said if I couldn’t tolerate the affects of the medicine he was going to put me on, we would go alternative. The First medication he prescribed is actually an anti-malarial drug. Hydroxycholoroquine. Which I will be taking twice a day. This medication is suppose to help with my fatigue arthritis, rashes, and my unexplained fevers. While taking this medicine for the next 13 weeks, I will have to routinely see the eye doctor every six months, to watch for a calcium build up in my corneas. Or I could experience blurred vision. He also said I would probably notice it get difficult to distinguish between the colors of blue and green. This is the most “serious” of the medications he prescribed. He also put me on a muscle relaxent to be taken at night to help me sleep. However I don’t feel comfortable taking that every night. I may do it when I need it, because I hate being incoherent when the kids get up at night. Like I said before, I react very easily to medications. Which is why I’m usually prescribed what they call the “granny Doses.” The other medication I’m on is the same thing I’ve been taking, but with a coated covering to help prevent stomach ulcers while taking it. We discussed what to do with my mouth sores. He told me that my mouth sores were caused by acid reflex, I was absolutely perplexed by this because I never have an issue of an upset stomach. Especially after the gall bladder came out. He said I did, I just didn’t feel it, and gave me some suggestions on tooth pastes a more natural kind. Grreat… After all that he sent me to the lab to get all my blood drawn…again. I sat reviewing and dissecting all my emotions. The greatest feeling I felt was relief. Relief that someone in this world believed my symptoms and gave me complete hope that I can beat this. I’m a little nervous about how I’ll react to all the medications. I’m just hoping the next 13 weeks go by easy and quickly. Then I began to think about all the prices on each medication. Which put me in a “why me” mood. How are we ever going to afford this? I have to get better! But can we really stretch our budget that far? Why do I have to be “sick?” I’m not scared of the diagnosis of Lupus. You can either let a disease live you, or you can live it and beat it. That is my take on it. I’m not mad that I’ve been diagnosed with this. I guess it makes me appreciate good days, and sunshine and good weather more then most people. I know there is no cure, and I’ll probably have to deal with this the rest of my life, but I plan on having a hell of a lot more good days. I plan on being the mom I want to be, but can’t. I think I’m just happy to know I’m not crazy. I felt sadness. I realize now, that I’m just in a little pain compared to what I could be in. Compared to how normal lupus patients are diagnosed. I can’t imagine the pain being any worse. I can’t imagine the blood work showing any more inflammation then there was. I can’t fathom that there are more people in more pain than I am with higher levels of inflammation in their blood. It makes me want to hug every single person that has ever been diagnosed with this disease. I have a great deal of respect now. To know my lupus is so simple compared to what most are going through. I can’t wrap my head around it. We got to find a strong cure. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Also the hardest thing for me to change right now is my diet. I love carbs. But more then that... i have to change how i eat and when. I have to start eating when i take my meds to protect my stomach. Which means i will have to eat breakfest, if you know me i hate breakfest. I usually don't eat until lunch time. So today i sat and ate breakfest with the kids, forcing it down my esophagus bluuuck. I think that will make me sicker then the actual meds LOL