ARRRRGGGG i HATE YOU!

This is a phrase I repeatedly say to myself when I go for my daily walk. “I hate you, I will beat you.” I chant this like the little train who thought he could. The whole two miles I walk I grit my teeth and focus on the path ahead of me, and chant.

I’m trying to think of good analogies to help people understand what it feels like to walk with lupus, or to do any kind of exertion. So imagine with me… we are walking… the first few steps are uncomfortable stabs of pain, like walking on glass, or perhaps some one kicking you in the ankles. Not bad… right? But then I say hey lets walk a little faster we have to get our heart pumping more…This is when you begin to think…”I’m good I don’t really want to..” but I make you. Suddenly you feel a warm slow burning pain in every single one of your joints. As we walk a little faster its like someone has injected your joints with kerosene and has used a torch to light your joints on fire.
No amount of water, or rest can put out the burning aching flames. Every step you take feels like this. Someone’s kicking your shins, and ankles while your knees and elbows are burning. Your whole body screams stop sit…don’t go anymore.
I didn’t mention that on top of this joint pain.. You slowly noticed that each breath you take feels like you are sucking in the fire from your joints. The quicker your lungs inhale and exhale the faster the flames spread across your chest. Until the burning subsides and the leaves a knife sticking through your heart.
So Now you realize you can’t go on…and I say “hey are you ok? We haven’t even made it a block yet? Sure you can make it two miles?”
I am proud to say that with the pain in my chest to a very minimal I can now walk with nice big deep breathes with no pain. However each step is agony. Today was a bad day for me. The weather has dropped very cold. I could barely get out of bed today, and I’ve had to have help up and down stairs. I still insisted on my evening walk. I have to. I feel like if I lay in bed, lupus is winning another day.
My neighbors probably think I’m a lunatic. I walk with my head down, music going, and on my last mile I grunt, and scream, and ARRRRRRGGGGG my way through. I grit my teeth, and hold my eyes directly in front of me. The chanting ensues. After the first mile I go into a euphoric state of mind where I meditate all the pain away, and feel numb, I have to mentally think about picking up my feet to walk. But I did it. I’m doing it… I’m beating lupus. I am.