One Week [check]

The first week of treatments are done. Bam. The beginning was rough. I was sick all day after taking my A.M. doses. By the time my P.M. dose came around, I’d just start feeling better and have to go through the whole vicious cycle again. One Week later! I still get pretty nauseous a couple of hours after I take my medications, but I’m not actually hanging my head in the toilet. So I find that a huge plus! My body is adjusting fairly well. Its hard for me to explain what I’ve noticed physically without me explaining “the before.” This is my thought process when I leave the house. I dread getting the children ready, I dread getting myself ready. Everything I do feels as though I’m walking through mud, and so I take a lot of short cuts, and need a lot of assistance to get simple tasks done. Its very frustrating and I end up not wanting to leave the house because I’m so tired, and I know the pain of doing these tasks will just be worse later. Tonight my husband helped me get the children ready, and I got my self ready on my own. Granite it was just a t-shirt, jeans and hat kind of day but I left the house feeling light. Like after all I’d done today hadn’t weighed me down. Each task wasn’t gathering at my feet like mud. We took our daughter bowling. Normally I would have been so exhausted all I would have been able to do is just sit and watch her play. Tonight, I Alisa, got off the chair and bowled with my daughter. Squatting at her level, and cheering her on! I was able to squat down, and get back up again. This is a task I never thought I’d be able to do again. Granite it hurt like a sun of a gun, but the point is I had the energy to be a mom. A mom that could almost keep up with her baby. I didn’t notice until half way through her game (which was only a couple of throws) that I didn’t feel the need to stop and rest. I didn’t feel the desire to sit down to catch my breath, or try to shake some of the mud off. During the car ride home, I gazed out the truck window in complete awe of the tiny task I’d completed. At first I was super stoked that maybe something was working. I can deal with the pain, but the energy is what I miss dearly. Then that awe turned into anger. Complete volatile anger. This is what I’ve been missing out on with my children. These simple every day moments. I wanted to come home and write the angriest letter to my former doctor for all those years of being told I was crazy. I wanted to literally punch her in the nose for all the days I’ve missed out. All it took was a doctor to listen to me. I know that anger won’t fix what has been done. All I can do is keep moving forward. One day at a time. One week at time. By the time I got home I was tired. Medicine time, and sick time, and time for the pain to begin from all the exertion I’d endured of playing with my children. It was beyond worth it. I have hope.