overwhelmed

My appointment today went great. I think. Switched meds added new...ya know the routine. Today I had to confide in my doctor something I hate to admidt. Im dealing with svere depression and severe anxiety.  These emotions are not something new to me but they have progressively gotten worse.
She recommended me to see aa therapist....every nerve in my body clamped shut and my head screamed noooooo absolutely not...I almost began to tear on the spot the very thought of opening myself up to some one luke that scares the living hell out of me. I can open up to my gentle readers because I can't see your face judging me.
I know I need help. I suffer from seasonal depression disorder very badly...it has already begun.
My anxiety levels haven't been good since about late june when I started taking the mirapex. I can't handle people...the only people I can tolorate are the ones im with on a daily basis. I confided to Jeremy that I feel....overwhelmed. and I need help. I need a moment to catch my breath. So I've decided maybe I should seek help.
Another thing that isn't on my good side is im going through withdrawls everytime they switch my medications.  If you have never had withdrawal let me tell you how it goes......
headache
Shakes
sweats
nausea/diarrhea
Body tremors
Severe body aches.

My worste withdrawl was from percoset. It put me in the doctors office bcause I thought my appendix was going to bust. It took two weeks to get over that list of symptoms...I even had to break my o my rule in life and use supositories..... just so id stop vomiting long enough to sleep.

Its brutal. Now with each med change I have slight symptoms....
Headache
Body ache
shakes
Sweats
Ill take that I guess.

Its a rough emotional road im on. Im having more days I want to give up....but I still know I've got do much to look forward to.

Can you OD on TUMS?

Wow wee! Talk about uncomfortable.  My new medication nebutone is giving me heart burn like you wouldn't believe!!!! Its so bad if I lean over I will vomit straigh up acid.  My throat and the back of my tongue are rampant with blisters from this fiery acid in maaah belly!!

I do not have issues with heart burn normally.  Occasionally some of the meds will upset my stomach and ill take a tums to ease the nausea ect... but the past two days I've had to resort to zantazc 150! And its not giving me any type of relief.  I took my last dose last night and will not continue until I see my doctor
Last night I couldn't sleep because if the acid flames. And today I have only eaten pop corn (plain) and literally a whole bottle of tums to find some sort of relief.  Can you od on tums hehe? My magnesium levels should be awesome after this week ;)

*Sniffle*

I am the biggest baby ever when I am sick.  I whine, I cry, im needier, I don't even recognize my self when im sick.  
I seemed to have picked up a cold....oh glory day. My tonsils are already abnormaly large so just the slightest nasel drainage makes them larger. When I bend my head or open my mouth to wide my tonsils make me gag.
Tonight when I lay down on our sick wedge that puts you at a 30° angle my lymphnodes are so swollen in the back of my neck they hurt to touch.

Now im face with a new dilemma.  I've never been able to take cold medicine...im on immune supressents..should I stop taking them until I feel better? Or since my immune system is already down does that even matter?
I can't really take cold meds because I react very easily with them either my heart skips beats or I can't function for three days....
I would get sick on a weekend when I can't call my doctor.  So ill ride the wave till monday.

I think colds and flues tend to be a little harder on me then others.  I think its because im already in so much pain...and add more body aches on top it feels like im just over loaded...and it takes me longer to heal up.

Hypothyroidism?

Where the heck is the thyroid gland??





The thyroid is a butterfly shaped gland located below the larinex, it releases the hormone metabolism.

I honestly didn't know much about about the thyroid... i knew that people with hyperthyrodism had trouble gaining weight...and people with hypothyroidism...had problems loosing....would you know... i'm being tested for hypothyroidism.

I had some blood work done at my RA doctors office but i never recieved the test results... my family doctor called and got them a few weeks ago. She called and said i needed to have my my blood work done again because my numbers were very high.

My BUN/Creatin were 20 which is high...and lets the doctors know that something is wrong and whatever it is, is in my body before it enters the kidneys which is good...its not my kidneys. My alkline phosphate numbers were extremely high as well...which also kind of points to the thyroid not working as it is suppose to.... so what does that mean for me??

I sat down and thought about how i've felt lately....
*tired
*achy (achier)
* ac, has been hard on my joints even more so then normal.
* i've had trouble swollowing... i get choked easy and often times wake up gagging because i choke on my own spit...how sad is that?
*Even more depressed then normal.

I blew off these symptoms... i've got other things to worry about. Then i got to thinking about my weight struggle... i've given up on loosing weight because i gained ten pounds while on weight watchers...so i've started stuffing my face with any thing and every thing again...and haven't gained a pound.... really body? you like junk food?

I know that they can help balance my thyroid with a medication...it takes a while to adjust to get the right dose. I don't feel rattled by this possibole diagnosis. I feel its something easily fixable... just kind of sucks its probably something else that i will have to deal with the rest of my life... I guess I'm relieved that it wasn't my kidneys.... i was very worried that with my numbers being so high that something was wrong with them....since i have so many problems with them.. we shall see.

I also find it odd that the thyroid is in the shape of a butterfly. how ironic right?

Me and Bev Spoonies for life!

This is a picture of Beverly Knaup (left) and ME!(right) Bev is a
lupus warrior like my self! I met her through mutual friends on
facebook when i recieved the news of my diagnosis of lupus. I had no
idea what to do, where to go, what to ask, what lupus was or what it
ment for the long haul....

And like a sign from the good lord above, i logged onto face book to
read my news feed i scrolled through all the bs of "farmville" and
Petville... and a link caught my eye. My former beloved english
teacher Mrs. Bolinger posted a link to a site of some one raising
awareness for lupus. Lupus...the word that had been haunting me the
whole week. .....

I decided to send this Beverly Girl an email... seeking advice and
guidence asking her about her fight.... i didn't know at the time that
email would lead to a long lasting friendship.

You see the ironic thing is, we both went to Marshall, we Both had the
same teacher, but we never met. She now lived in California...and i
lived in marshall...

The emails began. Sometimes we would write books to each other. I'd
never confided my whole self to any one before the way i could speak
to bev... she new exactly what i was going through...she knew with out
me trying to explain anything... i'd never talked to someone who had
lupus. Going through the same type of daily trials.

two years have gone by, she has taught me so much... 1. being
determination, don't stop at just "well we think"...
2. Educate- research everything, inform anyone who will listen...know
your stuff.
3. NEVER EVER HOLD BACK- this is something i'm still working on....
but she is helping me get through the fear of talking to doctors.
4. LIsts- apparently they are important :p

After two years of pen palling it up on the old email and snail mail
we finally got to actually meet and give the gentle hugs we always
send so far away... she is just as amazing in person as she is through
email...except her energy and fight are little more contagious in
person...

Beverly is definatly a sister from another mister :)

what a night.

I took my new anti inflammatory medication before bed time.  I was so wiped out I was laying on the floor with the kids and that'd where I remained the rest of the night.

It took everything out of me.  I felt weak shirt of breath luckily my heart was beating at a normal pace.  I have to watch my heart rate because I have sinus tachycardia.  Quick lesson :   the sinus node is located at the top of the heart...it produces your hearts electricity.  In a healthy heart it sends electrical current in a complete circle around the heart.  In my case the electricity in my heart. Chooses different paths and sometimes not making a full circle.  This cause my heart to pause mid beat and speed up some times a little to fast.  When I start to have these symptoms I take a daily pill that help me.  I stopped taking them when I was pregnant with justin and surprisingly I haven't had a spell yet.

Any way back onto last night as im laying on the floor I feel like my chest weighs a ton but luckily I can keep myself calm.  Then the fire begins.  My body turned feverishly hot and I was sweating to the point it was pooling under my back.  But I absolutely had no energy to get up.  I started to pant a little but I finally started falling asleep.

I slept on the floor.  When I woke up my body temperature seemed to be back to normal.  But I feel jet lagged from lack of comfortable sleep.  I think ill wean myself into this medication.  Im suppose to take it three times a day but im going to work on getting use to it at bed time first!!

Maybe that's how this medication works...it burns the arthritis right out of you haha. :)

dear walmart pharmacist "shut your mouth and hand over my scripts'

My doctor appointment went awesome today.  Im trying out some new meds to help with inflamation and increased others to help me sleep.  All I could think of was....'i think I need a bigger box"

I go back again in 4 weeks to see how the meds are doing. I feel confident I will find some relief.  

We aren't treating my fybro just yet.  She wantsbto get some of the joint pain under control...because the last month has been awful.

After my appointment I went to pick my meds up.  The pharmacist always pulls people aside to tell them directions on new scripts ...

She gave me a "are you serious" look.  My medication is a pain reliver/antiinflamitory. Im suppose to take it three times a day.  She said ok on this one you should really only take it when you are feeling a little sore.  I said oh ya? That's why im prescribed to take it three times a day.  She said and don't feel the need to take any over the counter antiinflamatories because that's what this is.  I said really? I had no idea!!?? She gave me a funny look like I was serious and then i rolled my eyes at her.  

I hate people like that...ok I never hate anything that's a strong word.  I extremely dislike when people 'think' they know what you are about.  I hate when they look at you like you are some skum trying to get pills.  Or whatever.  Wouldn't acceptance be grand?? Wouldn't it be great if people just shut up and did what they were suppose to do rather then sit back and judge others by what's in their medicine cabinet?  

White coat phobia

Im not sure sure why I still have this but I do.... here it is four in the morning and the anxiety has already kicked in.  I feel I can trust the doctor im seeing today.  

I have been getting worse with my RA...im not sure if its the weather, my hormones, or my diet slope.  

So I decided to talk to my doctor about different treatment for my ra Depression has already sunk in with the thought of august being here.  I feel after September its winter.  Winter makes me cry a lot.  Winter/fall/spring = agony for my joints.  

I've also come to terms with the diagnosis of fybromyalgia and am ready to start treatment for it.  

I have my list of questions, meds, notes, all ready to go.


I feel im loosing good days again.  However.....im not loosing spoons!!!

This week is a busy one for Team Knaup we have a dance for a cure in olney hosted by my team mate lori! I've been down right excited about the dance....but then I got even better news.... my team captain beverly Knaup has traveled all the way from california to join in on everything...absolutley ecstatic about that!

In fact I got to meet miss beverly yesterday.  For my gentle readers who don't know who she is....she is an amazing girl who flew f-16s...turned lupus fighter.  She is the first person I ever talked to about my diagnosis.  Beverly continues to fight for her life...and even with her struggles still manages to help others like me cope, understand, deal with the heavy burnden of lupus.  AND TO BOOT she is my team captain of the walk for lupus now fundraiser!

We officially met yesterday and I felt absolutley at ease with her like it was normal for us to meet for lunch like we have been doing it for years.  It finally felt great to be around someone who just knows.  Knows about my worry of the sun and heat with out even mentioning it! Knows why im more sluggish then most... I didn't feel alone.  I felt stronger just by being around her.. I've never really associated with to many lupus fighters...it felt amazing.